No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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