I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
