Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.