If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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