just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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