Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In other news, I just burned my penis
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
