Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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