y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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