I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We got so high we made milksteak
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
