Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
