How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
