Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
