So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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