Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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