i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
