ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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