he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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