im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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