If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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