Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
