my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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