He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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