Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
