My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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