Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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