So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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