Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
