Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i wish my penis had a tongue
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
