i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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