Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
