stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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