You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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