Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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