you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
