I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
