I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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