Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
