I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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