Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
