Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
