Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
