I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
