The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together