I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
