i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
