I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
