Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
