my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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