I want you more than these girls want KFC
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
