So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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