It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
