I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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