I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
