A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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