I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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