I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
